Being Asexual: Love without sex is possible?
Staring across the room, the person who makes your heart beat a mile a minute catches your eye. Gathering your nerves, you walk up to them and start to talk. No one is perfect but you believe this person is. You have so much in common, it’s almost like it was meant to be. You chat with this person every day, whether it’s on the phone, via text, or at a coffee shop. You both agree this can go even further and make it official. Time goes on and you’re closer to your partner, spending almost every available time together, including spending the night. Taking it to the next level, both of you sleep together and…sleep. No genital touching, no groping, just snoring and sleeping. Can this type of relationship be a definition of love if sex isn’t involved?
Asexuality describes a person who does not experience sexual attraction (Discovering Human Sexuality, n.d.). However, just because one does not experience sexual attraction does not mean they don’t experience romantic attraction or show intimacy. Another misconception of asexuality is the idea that people are abstaining from sex which is not the case. Abstinence, a practice of withholding from having sex even against one’s desire, is intentional. A person is interested in sex, but for religious, cultural, or other reasons they choose not to have sex. An asexual person has no desire to have sex, much like many have no desire to run a marathon or pet a spider. To expand further, people who are asexual do not have negative feelings about sex (much like one may have against spiders and running) and may practice other sexual behaviors like masturbation. But then again, some people are not attracted to people at all, often known as aromatic. All in all, the definition of asexual is not a one-size-fits-all term.
In Being Asexual the essay takes a look at what is it like to feel love and share physical intimacy yet feel no sexual attraction in a relationship (McKeever & Brunning, 2019). In a society where sex is a primary focus, it is often misunderstood how asexual people function in a relationship and whether it is valid. For example, marriage in the UK is considered ‘voidable’ and can be annulled if it is not consummated. This illustrates how sex is used as the ‘default setting’ for romantic love making it an expectation in a committed relationship.
Being in a relationship with someone who is asexual as an asexual person can lead to less pressure to have sex because they can show their affection and attraction to each other in ways that don’t involve sex (kissing, cuddling, etc). With that, an asexual person will probably be in a relationship with an allosexual person, a person who experiences sexual attraction. This can work if partners understand each other’s needs and make compromises. For example, an asexual person may have sex with their partner to keep them close to them or show commitment even though sexual attraction isn’t there. With the situation comes the question of consent and sexual violence. Being Asexual uses a critic’s argument about power dynamics between an allosexual and an asexual person. “Sex without attraction, although the product of consent, is still undesired sex, or sex to which someone consents that they don’t want. It seems plausible that undesired sex can harm someone (McKeever & Brunning, 2019). The article counteracts the critic’s statement stating, “…undesired sex can be harmful, but note that sex without attraction can still be desired, and sex with attraction can be undesired.”
“…undesired sex can be harmful, but note that sex without attraction can still be desired, and sex with attraction can be undesired.”
When it comes to attraction, there are other ways groups of asexual people show interest and desire for someone that is not sexual;
a) romantic attraction, the desire for romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons,
b) aesthetic attraction, appreciation of one’s beauty and often disconnected from sexual or romantic attraction,
c) sensual attraction, the desire for non-sexual interaction like hugging and cuddling, emotional attraction,
d) emotional attraction, the desire to know someone because of their personality which can vary from platonic friendships and sexual relationships, and
e) intellectual attraction, the desire to engage with someone on an intellectual manner.
With these examples of attraction, it should be noted asexual is an umbrella term that describes various levels of non-sexual attraction. Two common groups are gray-sexual or gray-asexual, individuals who feel as though their sexuality falls somewhere on the spectrum of sexuality between asexuality and sexuality and demisexual, those who do not experience primary sexual attraction but may experience secondary sexual attraction after a close emotional connection has already formed.
If two people in a relationship don’t have sex or one is not sexually attracted to their partner, can the relationship last? Does true love exist?
Society has often assumed if a person is in a relationship with someone, sex is undeniably involved. If hook-up culture teaches us anything, this is not necessarily true. People have sex with each other without being in love or romantically attracted to someone. Others don’t have sexual attraction but love their partner by way of kissing, hugging, cuddling, and holding their hand. They may love having deep conversations about movies or politics and find comfort in being in their presence. Understanding asexuality helps challenge the assumption that sexual attraction and desire equals love. Better yet, studying asexuality breaks the thought that sexual attraction is the only attraction that exists opening up the opportunity for people to find other ways to express love and desire for someone.
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